Is your picker broken? | Phoenix Sun

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Is your picker broken? | Phoenix Sun

Phoenix Durban

Matchmaker and relationship coach, Kas Naidoo.

Have you been in relationship after relationship and feel that you constantly end up with a loser, a cheat or a liar? Your picker could be broken. You only need to pick the right person once, then you can build a healthy, happy, loving relationship together.
I’ve coached hundreds of people who tell the same story. You feel an initial spark, you’re really excited because you feel you’ve found ‘the one’. You see each other as often as you can. You can’t stop thinking about them. You love the attention and feel like you’re so lucky to have found them.
Months later, they seem to change or rather expect you to change. Suddenly, they are not as affectionate anymore. You are confused by their behaviour, you may even find out they’ve been seeing someone else.
Perhaps they are leaning on you financially. Where once you were showered with compliments, you now get a lecture on how you should speak, dress and behave. After much heartache and disappointment, you end the relationship.
A few months later, you meet ‘the one’. They are exactly what you’re looking for. But the relationship follows the same pattern and ends in much the same way. Could your picker be broken?
Are you seeing in people what you wish to see rather than what’s actually there? Are you ignoring the signs because you so desperately want this relationship to be the one that lasts forever and you will live happily ever after?
If any of this sounds familiar to you, I encourage you to take a step back and observe the patterns in your past relationships.
If we move from one relationship to another without stopping to take stock of why a relationship ended, we will continue to attract the same type of people and experience the same heartache time and time again until we learn the lesson.
Now, I can almost feel some of you cringe at the thought that YOU have a lesson to learn because you believe the other person was to blame.

They cheated or lied or used you! As much as that may be true, you cannot change another person. That is their journey and they have their own lessons to learn, but as an adult, you are totally responsible for yourself.
Our programmes begin in the first seven years of our life. A child’s brain is like a sponge and takes on the beliefs, words and actions of the people closest to them.
As little children, we do not question whether someone’s behaviour is right or wrong; acceptable or unacceptable. If Dad cheated on Mum, we take on an unconscious belief that ‘all men cheat’. In your adult life, you either become the cheater or attract a partner who cheats on you (more like Mum in this case).
If you had positive relationship role models, where both parents were loving, kind, successful, responsible, loyal and supportive of each other, then you’re more likely to pick a partner with similar traits. However, we must admit this is rare.
 The human condition is such that we have to overcome the challenges to learn and grow and become the best versions of ourselves.
Better than being in denial, would be to reflect on the role models you had and see where you are unconsciously repeating the patterns.
This reflection makes the behaviour conscious; which means you can now shift it. As adults when we see a pattern of behaviour in ourselves that is not serving us; we can take steps to deliberately change that behaviour.
When a relationship ends; we must take time to heal and reflect on our own expectations and behaviour. What were the signs that perhaps were obvious to your friends that you completely missed? What did you settle for?
Did you find yourself giving in to the other persons wants and desires at the expense of what you truly wanted to create in that relationship.
Find yourself again. What makes you happy? What would your ideal relationship look like? Can you become the person that deserves that kind of relationship?
Only when we make the shifts internally, will the outside reflection change.
I have met so many people who are successful in their careers but struggle in their relationships because they have not done the inner work of knowing themselves, loving themselves and raising their self-worth BEFORE getting into a relationship.
The best news is that when you take the time to do the inner work, you will begin to attract people that reflect the new, more confident, loving you; and YES there are plenty of good people in this world. You simply have to become a vibrational match to those people and they will walk into your life.

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