We’re all very clear about what we expect from another person, but why should someone date you? As a matchmaker, I frequently get people with a long list of ‘requirements’.
He must be tall, financially independent, have good manners, be well-spoken, be good looking, have a sense of humour, be loyal and trustworthy, share the same religious beliefs, be honest, give me my space, be respectful, be strong, know what I want without me having to tell him and the list goes on and on.
A man’s list of requirements looks something like this: She must be good looking, slim, kind, independent, not moody, same religion and loyal.
As a relationship coach, I have interviewed hundreds of single people to understand why they cannot find an ideal partner.
I’ve also talked to people who are divorced to understand why a relationship ends and I’ve spoken to people who are happily married for many years to find the secrets of a healthy, happy, mutually-beneficial relationship.
Let’s turn the attention to ourselves for a while and ask the question: “So why will someone want to be in a relationship with me?”
Most people I ask that question to have to really think about it before they answer. That means that more of their focus is on what they want rather than on what they have to offer. When we expect someone else to measure up to a vast list of requirements, we will never be happy.
Have you ever noticed that when someone who is generally a happy person has a drink, they are even happier? Have you also noticed that someone who is sad or angry becomes depressed or even violent when they have a drink?
Alcohol, money and relationships all make you more of what you already are. It brings out what is already within you.
If you judge the other person very harshly, you need to deal with your judgements. If you complain bitterly about someone, take a look at your expectation that someone else must be a certain way to make you happy.
What are you really bitter about? Is it possible that you need to be happy with yourself first?
I know most people would prefer to believe that the other person is the problem rather than looking at themselves. However, this is how we learn and become the best versions of ourselves.
Before you get into a relationship, take some time to really get to know yourself. Look at what you expect from another person and see how you can be that for yourself. You want someone to make you laugh but do you have a sense of humour?
You want someone to love you, but do you love yourself and others in your life already? You want someone who’s independent, but are you? You want someone who is kind and generous; are you?
You want someone who can communicate well. Do you communicate your needs and your views with loving kindness, or do you get angry or withdraw when you don’t get what you want?
To get what we want, we have to first become all of it. It is an exciting journey of self-discovery when we choose to observe ourselves.
Every new skill that we practise and learn, takes us closer to the best version of ourselves. Relationships with people, whether they are friends, colleagues, family or strangers, show us who we are. How do we treat people especially when no one else is watching? Are we kind and loving or are we rude and angry?
When we can see our own strengths and notice where we need to do some work on ourselves, we are now living consciously.
This process of observing yourself, allows you to grow and blossom into the person that anyone will want a relationship with.
No one can make you happy if deep inside you are unhappy. Likewise, no one can make you feel loved, safe, secure, respected or beautiful if you don’t first feel all of this for yourself. The world is simply a mirror of what you hold inside of you.
The reflection only changes when you do. You are worthy of the time and energy to become the best version of yourself that you can be. Now when you attract a new partner, that person will reflect your new, kind, loving, strong, independent self, back to you.
This is the person that a great love will want to date.
Kas Naidoo is a relationship coach and matchmaker. She can be contacted via [email protected]