Relationships are simple if we didn’t have the unconscious need to complicate them.
We only do this when we don’t really take the time to know ourselves.
You’re only as good as your last relationship because that is the level of your relationship IQ.
We are not taught how to consciously create healthy, happy relationships that are deeply fulfilling and uplifting to both partners.
So due to this lack of knowledge, we are forced to simply “wing it” and hope for the best!
If your last relationship was amazing, you must have been doing something right.
If it was fraught with conflict, anger, sadness or lack of loyalty, then we need to take a step back and learn the lessons so we improve our relationship IQ.
This will ensure that we enter a new relationship better equipped to create the relationship we desire.
In my years of matchmaking, I often observe people who say they want to meet a new partner but refuse to take responsibility for their own relationship IQ.
If you bring the same person that you were in past failed relationships into a new relationship, can you honestly expect a new outcome?
We’ve heard the old adage, “What you put in, is what you get out”, thousands of times, yet it still holds true.
If you’re in a new job and there’s a task that’s completely new to you, chances are you will ask for assistance or read a manual to learn how to perform this new task.
Then you will apply what you’ve learned. If it works, you keep doing it.
If it doesn’t work, you go back to the drawing board, learn more, tweak it a bit and try again until you master it. Should we not put in the same effort in our relationships, when they form a huge part of our lives and happiness?
If you were in constant conflict with your last partner, could it be that you need to learn how to resolve conflict in a way that brings resolution, deeper understanding and closeness?
Could it be that you may need to practise this new skill until you master it? You can practise with your family, friends and colleagues so you master the skill and enter your new relationship with a higher relationship IQ.
If you have always felt unappreciated in your last relationship or that you were not acknowledged for your contribution to the relationship, it could be that you need to learn to express your needs to your partner in a way that does not feel like demands but actually inspires him or her to respect and fulfil those needs.
If it was your partner that felt unloved or unappreciated, perhaps you need to sharpen your listening skills.
Relationships fail because we have expectations of our partners that we feel are not met. When we live in a space of expectations, we will often be disappointed.
When we focus on what we have to offer in a relationship and make that better by constantly focusing on our own personal development, we will inspire our partners to raise their standards to meet ours.
If they refuse to do that, then you need to ask the tough question of whether you want to be with someone who is not evolving with you.
If you are in a relationship that feels mediocre right now, I encourage you to look at how you can begin to develop your relationship IQ.
I’ve coached hundreds of people who made the shift alone and their partners began responding to them differently. It only takes one person to shift the relationship dynamic.
Again, what you put in, is what you get out.
You’re only as good as your last relationship, if you stubbornly refuse to learn and grow. Some people proudly state,” This is who I am. Accept me as I am.” Before you make this demand, you must ensure that you can accept other people as they are. It’s a sad state if you remain the same person while experiencing life’s challenges.
These challenges serve a huge purpose. They are here to help us grow into our potential. What other purpose is there for suffering?
If you’re looking for a life partner, spend your time reflecting on your past relationships and ask yourself what you could have done differently and learn those skills.
Forget about what your partner could have done differently. Those are their lessons.
Claim your power! Your happiness is in your hands. When we take full responsibility for ourselves and what we create, we can consciously begin to create a life worth living.
Kas Naidoo is a relationship coach and matchmaker. She can be contacted via [email protected]